Negotiations
by AusTex
Summary: Eric Northman, Edward Cullen and Buffy Summers have a coversation about Vampire Cannon. This is just for fun, nothing serious.


Eric, Buffy and Edward have to reach an agreement.

Thank you Joss Whedon, Charlaine Harris and Stephanie Meyer without the 3 of you the following would not be possible.

Many thanks to joyindenver who keeps my tenses correct and wil someday get me to write with dialog tags. With her helpful hand my stories become readable.

* * *

"I do not know why we have to be here," Eric said.

Edward responded with a sigh, "Well our creators want us to come up with a Unified Cannon."

"Vampires are Vampires; there are rules. Unified Cannon is a crock of shit," Eric proclaimed.

"Well we have to work together to come up with something. Joss says Vampires have lumpies on their forehead," Buffy said with a smile and a perkiness that was annoying.

"Lumpies, what the hell are lumpies?" Eric asked.

"They are the bumps you guys get on your forehead when your fangs extend." She added a big sincere smile.

Edward sighed and said, "That does not happen; we do not even have fangs."

"Did someone remove your fangs?" Eric asked. He started to feel some sympathy for the Vampire.

"No I have razor sharp teeth…" Edward answered quizzically.

Eric said, "I think we should fight and whoever wins — their ideas will be the stupid cannon our creators will follow."

"Good, let's fight." Buffy says with a little too much enthusiasm. "I will win, because good always wins over evil!"

"No, I am a Vegetarian!" Edward proclaimed.

"What the Fuck does that even mean? Vegetarian Vampire. Ugh," Eric said annoyed.

"Well, actually I think we should judge on popularity criteria," Edward suggested.

"I win!" Buffy proclaimed. "I was on a network television show for seven years; Comic books and even graphic novels! That is very popular." Buffy bounced in her chair with pride.

"Well have you seen the fan fiction websites? I have more women fantasizing about me than you can imagine; in addition to three years on HBO and ten novels."

"Ten novels!" the other two exclaimed.

"Yes, ten," Eric said confidently.

"Well, I have had four best selling novels, and so far three major hit motion pictures," Edward said.

"I should stake you for even bringing that up. It was a mistake. We should have never made that movie," Buffy stated.

"A movie;, braggart," said Eric with disgust.

"I get to fight all the time!" Buffy said. "Every week I got a brand new big bad. I only died three times."

"You get to fight every week!" Eric was wishing for the old days. "I think we should work that in to the HBO show for me. I do not get enough fighting."

Edward sighed. "Fighting is terrible."

"You are depressing; go meet the sun," Eric said with his annoyance showing.

"I can't, it just makes me all sparkly." Edward sighed again.

"How much fucking fairy have you been drinking?" Eric asked with disdain.

"Oh no!" Edward was shocked at Eric's accusation. "I am faithful to my wife! There has only ever been her!" Edward declared proudly.

"I should have met a vampire like you." Buffy sighed wistfully.

"You're telling me you never did any whoring before you met your wife?" Eric asked. "Being a vampire is about fucking and feeding; they are one in the same," he boomed. Eric leaned over and whispered to Edward, "So you got the girl?"

Edward smiled broadly. "Yes, yes I did. Beautiful wedding; beautiful wife; beautiful daughter."

"I hear that I am not going to end up with the girl," Eric said.

Buffy primps and flips her hair. "I have super strength; I can keep up with you."

Edward looked at Buffy and said, "I thought you were good."

"I am good, I fight evil," Buffy replied defensively. "But I like a naughty vampire as much as the next girl."

"My wife was a virgin when we married," Edward proclaimed proudly.

"Mmm, I like virgins, they taste good," Eric said.

Edward gave Eric a dirty look. "You should not eat humans. You should love and respect them."

"Kumbaya," Eric said sarcastically. "So Buffy, you have any fairy in you?"

"No, but I was created from majic" she responded.

"Can I have a taste?" Eric gave her one of his winning smiles.

"No you may not. I am going to tell Joss on you. I am the Vampire Slayer. You should not treat me that way!" Buffy sounded only half convincingly.

"Vamipre what?" Edward asked.

Eric laughed at her, not convinced she could kill a thing.

"So we all agree that Vampires have excellent hearing, sense of smell, and are very fast and strong. Is that correct?" Buffy asked.

"Yes," Edward and Eric answered in unison.

"Well I found something that we agree on," Buffy stated proudly.

"We sparkle in direct sunlight and drive Volvos," Edward said.

"Sunlight is hazardous to our health, but I can agree to drive a fine Scandinavian car." Eric said.

"I must insist on fidelity and marriage before sex," Edward said.

Eric laughed loudly and said, "No way, my life is all about sex. With everyone available. In every available orifice. I am not giving that up."

"Not even to get the girl?" Edward asked.

Eric gave Edward withering look.

"Well this is going nowhere," Buffy sighed. "Eric would you like to go for a drink?" she asked.

Eric licked his lips with a naughty grin and said, "Yes, I would."


End file.
